Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
