just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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