covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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