I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Also, beer. Big fan.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize