The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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