Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
