i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
