i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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