tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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