she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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