Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
