Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
