3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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