I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
