we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
