A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
