he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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