he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize