This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Still dying that you shit outside
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
