Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize