I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
