i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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