I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
