Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
