Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
