You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
