May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
