guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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