Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
