Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
