Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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