you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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