My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
