I just made out with a guy for $7.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
