Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
