my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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