Yo dont text me then not text me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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