Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
