I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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