If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
