I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
