You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
