On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize