Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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