He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
