There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
