First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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