I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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