That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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