Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Everyone says I win the strip club
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
