The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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