saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
