KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
