So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize