She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
