dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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