Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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