either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
