god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
