I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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