i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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